The Darkness of Divorce: Its Effects and Moving Forward

This is so heavy. Divorce is dark. In many ways, I don’t feel equipped enough to write on a topic of this magnitude. However, I have been impacted by it, as well as numerous other individuals in my life. As I write, I strive to infuse my words with grace and compassion. Everyone’s experiences and the effects of those experiences differ and involve soul-deep and life-altering wounds. If you’re reading this and have walked in the darkness of divorce, I am sorry. My heart breaks with you. Bear with me as I share my story. I pray that this will allow you the space to ponder your heart. And for everyone else to shine a light on the effects of experiencing it.

I am not here to argue a biblical stance on divorce. I believe the Bible offers the wisest insight and instruction on the matter. My goal in writing this is to share my personal experience and how God has worked through it. The last thing I want is to make anyone feel guilty or ashamed. God’s love is unconditional and redemptive. Praise the Lord! 1 John 3:1 says, “Oh what love the Father has lavished on us, that we might be called His children, and that is what we are.” Friends, that is what we are! Children of God. Lavished in love. Salvation is eternally fixed. Whatever your story is, allow that to be at the forefront of your mind as you read this.

From Where I Was Standing

It has been a unique journey, having walked out my parent’s divorce in my early twenties. Many children experience it at much younger ages than my siblings, and I did. That would be unfathomable. I am grateful that I had the support of my husband, was occupied with raising a 1-year-old and an infant, and had a solid community of people around me. To preface, I have 5 other siblings, and at the time, the youngest was 18. My parents were married for 30 years, and we generally had a happy and comfortable childhood. I never thought the darkness of divorce would touch our family. But in 2018, it did. It came like a thief in the night and stole something I valued tremendously.

When the Darkness of Divorce Hit

I was in denial and shock for an extended period of time. The anger I had boiling inside me was nothing I had experienced before, nor did I know what to do with it. How could a 30-year marriage end? All I knew was the family unit I grew up in. I only knew my childhood home with both my parents residing within it. I imagined my children’s grandparents happily married, enjoying their grandkids together. The confusion was crippling. One of my sisters said this: “Like many potential tragic events in life, there’s a time and place. But for divorce, it’s like a marathon of grief. It’s not limited to a date and time.” It’s repeatedly battling the things you had wished for while standing face to face with the reality that the world is so terribly broken.

Battling the New Normal

I disliked the term “new normal.” But I knew it was something I needed to become acquainted with. Apart from the emotional trauma my parents’ divorce caused, there was a very real spiritual battle that is difficult to confine to words. The most asked question I’ve heard concerning any tragic event is: “How can a good God allow bad things to happen?” I asked that over and over and over again. I recall crying out, “God, if you’re all-powerful, why on earth are you not fixing this?” Many times my fists were raised heavenward in anger toward the God I thought I knew so well. If there was a rock bottom, I was indeed close to hitting it. How could I continue trusting a God that allowed not only my heart to break but my family as well?

Moving Past the Darkness of Divorce

The following quote is from Susie Spurgeon. It is one that I repeatedly returned to because it depicted the faith I was longing to have:

“To know of a surety that all of God’s dealings with me are those of a loving Father towards a dear and well-beloved child. To be absolutely certain that every sorrow conceals a blessing because He has appointed it. Looking upon pain and trial and bitter experiences as the outcome of a love which is so infinite that I cannot fathom it. This is to live in the secret place of the Most High; this is to abide in the shadow of the Almighty. If we would meet every affliction, be it small or great, with a brave confidence in our Lord’s mighty love and unquenchable faith in His power, our trials would either vanish altogether or be transformed into triumphs that would bring honor to our King.”

I share this quote not to diminish the pain of suffering but to exemplify God’s love in the midst of it. Because here’s the thing; God knew the turns I never dreamed my life would take, and He made a way for me to walk in them. He did not leave me to suffer alone but took my hand and led me not away from suffering but right through it. His love beckoned me forward, taking one small step at a time.

When Trials Are Turned into Triumphs

4 years later, God indeed brought redemption, just not how I imagined He would. No, He did not heal my parent’s marriage, but he did resurrect parts of my heart that I never knew needed it. He miraculously made me whole and filled my soul in unison with standing in the depths of brokenness. What a paradox the journey of pain and suffering is. I never wanted it, but here I am, thankful for it.

Presently, it still aches. I still feel the darkness of divorce. As a marble drops into a small jar, and as time passes, the jar grows bigger. So it is with grief. We don’t ever heal from loss, but we grow around it. We grow and mature, and life keeps moving forward.

Friend, wherever you are on your journey in coping with a divorce or suffering in general, I want you to know that there is so much hope. It may not feel like it, and you may not be able to see it. But I promise you there is a God who wants to walk with you in it. Run to Him. I promise you won’t regret it.

To read a little bit more about my salvation story, read here!